Evolutionary Spirituality Wiki

Links: http://cnvc.org/ (international organization) http://nvcwiki.org/ (nascent wiki)

Notes taken by Rich Henry - pretty much "stream of group consciousness." Outline format, meaning indented line is a subpoint to outdented line above it:

Purpose of Nonviolent Communication (NVC): create quality of connection within us and between us so that everyone wants everyone's needs to be met.

Empathy and (honest) Expression
    "Be with" first, and then "This is stirring in me..."

Participants: John Abbe (convenor), Brandon Sanders, Rich Henry, Barbara Cushing, Ashley Cooper
    Other names for NVC: "Open-Hearted Communication" (in Tamil we use manam = Heart AND Mind), "Compassionate Communication", "A language of compassion"
    Language and practices, AND, it's NOT about the words or the techniques! (Techniques in the service of something deeper.)
        Goal: neither attached to or averse to the language/techniques.
    A need we all have is to help others get their needs met.
    Tap into what is fully alive in each of us.
    "We all need this!"
    Hafiz: "Why just settle for the donkey in you speaking to the donkey in me, when we both have so many other beautiful animals within us." - NVC is a way to go deeper than donkey talk
    Distinction between strategies and needs exercise
        1. What do you want to ask someone that you think they will say no to.
        2. Why do you want it? (worked in pairs)
            Just the support you got from the other, even if they said nothing, is empathy.
                Sympathy = how I feel about your situation. Empathy = being with them.
         3. Why do you want 2.? What needs would be met if they said yes? Forget about the first question, and just look for another layer, "what would that get for you?" And look for answers that you feel good about.
        (worked alone, this is self empathy)
            This exercise creates benefits, even if you decide not to go to the person and ask.
        "Ask for what you want," vs. "Ask AND share the deepest reasons."
        What would would be different?
            First way: May get a grudging yes, but at a cost.  "A grudging yes is death."
            Second way. Greater risk of no, but authentic connection. Not the answer but the connection that matters most.
            There's always a "yes" behind a "no." Their "no" is a "yes" to something else. If you then inquire into their deepest reasons for the no, you can come up together with something else that might meet both's needs.
        When I open deeply, it is an invitation for them to go deeply too.
        Need/Strategy connection. The Needs are what matter. How, the Strategy, isn't really very important.
        "Cheating toward unattachment"
            "Hold onto the need tightly, and the strategy lightly."
            "AND, you can always go deeper! As you go deeper, you also begin to hold the needs lightly."
                By holding onto your needs you open up the capacity to listen. Being able to hold them close is the result of listening deeply.
            Reading about it and doing it are very different things.
        John's design of these exercises. Intended to elicit the NVC learnings (a natural experience), rather than "lecture" on the learnings.
        "Hearing the positive impact we've had on another fuels our fire, and shows us the impact we can actually have." - John
        "Questions speak to the heart. Answers [facts, information] speak to the mind." -- Harrison Owen
        "I want to help us, the body of all life."
        4 part model, pieces:
        Observation
            distinguished from evaluation or interpretation
        Emotions (some label it Feelings)
            What's in my heart (e.g. NOT "I feel you're not understanding.")
                Anytime "that" or "like" follows "I feel," it's probably not an emotion.
                Expressing the feeling is like a thermometer. No reason to be defensive about "I'm angry," any more than being defensive because the thermometer registers 90 degrees.
                Don't go too quickly to the strategy to meet the need. Just be there. "Oh, it's hot." or "Oh, I need more respect." An affirmation in the moment! A way to be present.
         Needs
         Requests
            Big distinction between requests and demands. With a request, I welcome your 'no' as much as your 'yes.' (Paradoxically, unattachment to the outcome may be more likely to generate the outcome I'd like.)

Arc
   out in the world - clear Observation (without evaluation)
   inner Emotion/Feelings, Needs - sit with it
   out again - specific, doable Request

Want to have compassion for even those who are violent. What is the need behind it?